Dating Advice For Naruto
by Kuzu
Summary: Itachi, not in his right mind, decides to give Naruto some advice for getting Sakura. Will it work?


Dating Advice for Naruto

Author's Note:

Well. Here we have it. My first fan fiction. I guess I am proud of it, to a degree. If you don't like it, go read something else. Don't waste your time _complaining_.

Naruto was sitting at his favorite corner restaurant, picking at his usual dish of ramen. He sighed and stirred around the noodles with his chopsticks, depressed. Sakura had rejected him once again, this time leaving a bigger scar on his heart

"I hate her," he said to no one in particular, "I'm never going for her again. She's too mental for that damn Sasuke."

"Pfft! What girl **isn't** mental for that guy?!" complained Shikamaru, who had just sat on the stool next to Naruto's. "It's all Ino talks about in her spare time.'Sasuke this!' or 'Sasuke that!' It's bloody annoying!" he added, whining.

Naruto looked to Shikamaru, but he didn't reply. He knew how it felt, being ignored by Sakura while she went on and on about Sasuke. He didn't even like her! Naruto was starting to think Sasuke wasn't interested in girls. Maybe Sasuke is g...

"You should eat that," the chef interrupted his thoughts, indicating the bowl of ramen in front of Naruto, "It'll make you feel better. Plus, it's getting cold sitting there."

"You're right. Guess I'd better."

By then, Shikamaru had left. _Probably off complaining about something else,_ thought Naruto, downing the rest of his ramen in record time. He paid for his meal and started down the street, hands in pockets, sulking.

Meanwhile, Itachi and his current companion had entered town. Nero scowled, as she usually does.

Nero wasn't any special ninja, but she wasn't run-of-the-mill either. Her black v-neck shirt had only one sleeve, and ended above the bellybutton. The bare left arm was tattooed with runes from knuckles to shoulder blade, nonsensical to anyone who hadn't spent their entire lives studying the runes. Her black pants were Capri's of seemingly simple design. No visible pockets, ending just below the knee. Her shoulder-length burgundy hair hid her eyes, the rest of her face devoid of emotion.

Nero trailed in the shadow of Itachi, so dark and silent she could have been the shadow itself.

"Why are we here, anyway?" her lips barely moved as she addressed him.

"To tease and provoke my short-fused brother, of course," a smile played on Itachi's own mouth.

"You're sick."

"Thank you."

We come back to Naruto, who was stalking around a street corner with all the co-ordination of the Toad Sage at the female part of the bath houses. He had been walking for hours around town avoiding his teammates. He finally stopped and leaned against a building, which turned out to be the most likely place Naruto would be, the restaurant where he gets his ramen. The sun was beginning to get lower, just barely above the roofs of the buildings. The sky was turning pink and gold, the colours of sunsets, as time passed. Naruto sat in his usual spot and ordered his usual bowl of ramen.

By then, Itachi had already caught up with his brother, toyed with him, and walked off, all smug-like.

"What now? We've been walking for..." Nero started.

"Hush." Interrupted Itachi, spotting the sulky Naruto. "I spy a fellow distressing shinobi."

"What are you distressed about? You're the one who usually causes that sort of stuff..." Nero rolled her eyes.

"Shutup." He approached Naruto, who was just finishing his noodles. "What ails you, fellow ninja?"

Nero scowled at his corny dialect. She wished he wouldn't act like this, especially out in public. He hadn't been the same since Kakashi's box of dirty magazines took him by surprise and came crashing down on his head.

Naruto looked up in surprise to find a Sasuke look-alike standing above him, smiling.

"Uh, pardon?" he hadn't really heard the question, being preoccupied with his thoughts and his delicious noodles.

"I said, what's wrong? You seem depressed. Down in the dumps. Blue. Bummed out. Cast down. Woebegone." Itachi poked him repeatedly, pressing for an answer, ignoring Nero's thesaurus comment.

"Eh? Oh. Love trouble, I guess," Naruto didn't know why he was telling this guy anything. He turned to order another helping of his dish.

"Ah, I see. Who's the lucky lady... or gentleman?" Itachi probed further, getting interested. He didn't usually do this kind of stuff.

"GIRL, and it's Sakura Haruno, but she's infatuated with that damned brother of yours, Sasuke..." replied, laying his head on the table of the small restaurant.

"That's no way to act..." Itachi placed his hand on Naruto's shoulder and looked down on him sympathetically, "All you need is some advice."

Naruto shrugged Itachi's hand off his back. "Advice?"

"Yeah. We'll give you some advice, right Nero-chan?"

"Don't call me that!" growled Nero, her tattooed fist clenched in anger. She ignored his request, which happened to be rhetorical, anyway.

"First, the approach. Never start with a line, it kills all chances," he started, pacing slowly, "Don't appear desperate, you'll make yourself look like a stalker and get yourself a restraining order. That doesn't help either."

Naruto listened intently as if he had never known this stuff, and knowing him, he never had. Itachi covered a few more areas including moves and conversation, then finally got down to the most important part of all, in perspective of both genders alike..

"...the kiss!" Itachi was enthusiastic about this part. Who wouldn't? He had a mischievous glint in his eye that gave Naruto shivers.

"You're not gonna..." Naruto asked, a worried expression ran across his face.

"Hell no!" Itachi didn't even give Naruto a chance to finish what he was going to say. "You've been around that Kakashi waaaaay too long!"

"Oh thank goodness. I thought you were gonna..." Naruto stopped himself, because Itachi had just grabbed the unsuspecting Nero by the collar and locked lips with her. He realeased Nero and she staggered backwards before steadying herself.

"Oi! What's the big id..."

"Now that's the basic run through for a kiss, not my most romantic, but a kiss nonetheless. Now, your turn." Itachi shoved Nero into Naruto before she could protest.

"B-b-but...!" Nero stammered, pushing herself a ways from Naruto. He puckered his lips and walked towards her, eyes closed. Nero panicked. Without realizing, she grabbed at the nearest person, throwing them at the approaching Naruto. Unfortunately, the unlucky person in reach was a fellow ninja who happened to already have a crush on Naruto.

Hinata Hyuga just happened to be passing by, searching for Kiba who had taken off a few hours before. Hinata collided with Naruto, their lips meeting. Naruto's eyes opened and that scene lasted another thirty seconds before Hinata made a sound like a whimper. Her face reddened into an impossible shade and she fainted, falling to the ground with a dull thud. Silence ensued until Nero offered to carry Hinata back to the Jonin responsible for her.

"It's only fair. It's my fault she got kissed and fainted..." Nero pulled the limp Hinata onto her back and disappeared in the direction the unconscious ninja had come from.

"So. How about you go apply my teachings unto that Sakura, eh?" Itachi once again prodded Naruto, pretending that little scene with Hinata never happened.

"I guess it's worth a try." A broad smile crossed his lips, "I'm Naruto Uzumaki and I'm gonna get Sakura no matter what! Believe It!"

Twenty minutes later, Naruto returned with a bloody nose, a black eye, and bright red hand marks on his cheeks. Itachi skipped over to Naruto.

"So, how'd it go?"


End file.
